Tuesday, February 03, 2009
I have been neglecting this blog, not really by not updating it, but by not sharing my life. I guess I had a turn where my thoughts and actions seemed extremely private and personal. Maybe it just threw me that people I knew in person read this, rather than a nebulous body of internet only friends if anybody at all.
The biggest things going on in my life are my relationships, my education and my health.
The first is going pretty well, right now we are in the process of moving from new exciting person who we will skip everything to be with to being the person who will always be there, and that's a hard transition. That's the part that makes you see that even when they are your biggest priority you have to set them aside so other things get done. We're learning to communicate better, partly to prepare for the future when we won't see each other every day.
My education could be better. I am in a classic senior slump. I just want my undergrad to be over at this point. I have too much to do, too little time to do it in, and no will to get up and go. I'm preparing for a research trip to Williamsburg, VA so I can visit a grad school and do research on my capstone project. The planning is making me look a year and more in the future which for some reason hits a switch in my brain. Long term life planning = emotional breakdown and huge amounts of stress. After next week I hope I can go back to only planning a few months in advance in any detail and letting the distant future be a mere shadow plan to fill in later.
My heath is a whole different ballgame. For once its not my lungs, its not really any one thing. Its all of it. Mostly I have pain in my joints, when the stress kicks in I also add chest and muscular knots to the usual pain. I don't have any kind of diagnosis, but my symptoms mirror my dad's health issues in so many ways. He supposedly has asymptomatic rhumatoid arthitis. So eventually I will probably have the same diagnosis. Right now I have bad days and not so bad days. I haven't had a really good day in a long time. In fact, good days are when I can spend the entire day lying down propped at a 45 degree angle. So I don't get many of those. I walk with a cane a lot of days, because I hurt and because I tend to be off balance and falling on ice or water would be a very bad thing. My hands only hurt on really bad days, and those are the worst days. Those are the days when I can see a future being unable to spin, knit or even hold a pen without pain. Even though I don't know when that future will come.
at 9:34 PM