Sometimes I feel like I’ve made the most selfish decision of my life. When my relationship ended the reasons all started with “I think” “I feel” and ended in some form of “me.” I try my hardest not to lay blame on any person, but I can look and see that there were things done on both sides that directly resulted in the end of the relationship. It feels selfish to do something that hurts another in order to better my own well-being, even if I feel that the action will eventually benefit the other person.
I see the misery left behind when I left, but I don’t regret that action, even through my own guilt. I don’t because for the first time I realized that while I should be selfless, I do deserve to be happy, I cannot serve God effectively if I am depressed or afraid. I need to be with a person I don’t have to make excuses to myself for. I am allowed to spend my life with someone who makes me smile without trying, someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’ll never be able to match up to the standards set, someone who doesn’t resent me, someone whose world is fully separate than mine and isn’t capable of pulling me into that world. I want to be comfortable in their world, not an outsider intruding on the energy.
I don’t require perfection; I don’t even want to share every single interest, ability or lifestyle. I don’t want my dreams and personality to be encompassed by who I am with, but rather enhanced and nurtured by them. I also don’t need to feel like a caretaker at all times. Sometimes it’s alright, we all need to be taken care of at times, but being a caretaker is draining, it sucks the life out of you if it goes on too long.
In my past I’ve been with people because they needed me. Or because I was expected to, and as a loving person I just kept taking care of that person until nothing was left of me. My first relationship I learned to fear, I gained anxiety at every turn, I still fight that. I promised after the first time it happened I would not lose myself again, and as soon as I felt it again I started to fight to fix what was wrong. It wasn’t a fixable problem though. I slipped into depression more deeply than I ever had been before. The darkness in my thoughts frightened me. Something had to change, I prayed and I prayed, and I still continued to fight to keep my relationship together.
Over time I began to see that the problems wouldn’t go away. They wouldn’t go away when it was no longer a long distance relationship; they wouldn’t go away when we talked about them and promised to do better. This was not the right relationship to be in, the priorities were wrong, the match was wrong, things had gone to quickly emotionally and issues that should have been dealt with before either of us was ready to even be in a relationship at all did not get dealt with. It had to end, so I ended it. I was pushed to do so quicker than I had wanted, in a place, time and way that made it harder for me and for him. Yet again a lack of patience hurt us. So I ended up breaking up with him on my broken phone via text message, sitting in a hospital room where I had been up all night with the lady I work with. I could not cry, I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t even say it out loud. No one knew the turmoil in my life.
Since that moment in time life has changed. I still fight guilt over putting myself first, I still feel a loss, I still have moments I miss him. I have seen clearly since that time that I made the right decision. God blesses me every day, and gives me the opportunity to serve him and gives me a joy that nothing steals away. He gives me friends who care for me, to pray for me and to talk me through the rough moments. My darkness is gone, for not a moment has the depression returned. I have joy and peace in boundless quantity. I am happy, I deserve that and I am myself.
I still am struggling to gain my independence; I finally got my driver’s license which has been a somewhat failed goal of mine for several years. I still have people who rely on me, but I also have people who give back to me what is taken away. I still have a long way to go, and patience is my best hope for healing. I think a clean break is important in this case, but that isn’t happening very well. I know things I say on the internet will get to my ex. He knows where I spend my time and who I talk to, and I see him a lot in those places, including here. I will no longer be careful to not mention things happening in my life. If he reads, its his own pain.
Thanks for bearing with me on this long tale. I don’t do this often but I needed to get it out of my system.